Expectations

It began as a simple prayer intended for my own spiritual growth. I resolved in early February to practice non-judgment. In hindsight I now realize that you should never ask to grow unless you are willing to embrace the growing pains!

The pains went something like this . . .. I arrived in Atlanta, Georgia with my colleagues ready for a conference that I had anticipated with great excitement. My visions had been that I would make innumerable connections for my business and watch it double in size so that I would find myself fulfilling the dreams I have had for so many years. Quickly, I began to observe a world that was new and different from the world of Baptist ministry that I had known a couple of years prior. My heart sunk as I realized that this idea of starting my life over that had once been so romantic now seemed so very impossible. The expectations of rapid growth for my business sadly dissolved as I came to understand the new need for business growth at a snail's pace.

The pains continued . . .. I had been seeing a man for 18 months and had this expectation that as our relationship grew that we would see each other more frequently. He, a busy man, was working three different jobs and finding time to simply be together was becoming more and more difficult. I found myself becoming demanding and nagging as I so longed to be affirmed that he indeed cared. For a woman whose love language is quality time, I was perceiving that I was quite unloved and undesired. The expectations of a growing relationship felt shattered.

More pains followed . . .. I had been developing some new friendships through my new found work and all of a sudden out of the blue a conflict arose between us. Nothing had changed, it seemed to me, except that one friend had become particularly needy as I judged. I was stunned and while I shall not recount the ins and outs of the interaction, I came to understand that I had an expectation of her that she be consistent, strong, supportive, a team player of sorts. The expectations of consistency instantly was broken.

And even further pains . . ..I ran into an old flame through my new business and he was intrigued by the fact that I looked so very young . . . in fact exactly as I had in my younger adult years. He couldn't stop remarking about it and longed to rekindle our relationship. It was flattering but as I reflected, I realized that with the one exception of my current interest, no man had ever wanted to be my friend first and foremost before jumping into a romantic relationship and my heart sunk once again.

Finally, the breaking point came as I drove toward my workplace feeling a melancholy and longing to hear the happy voice of another. When I called my mother, I got her happy voice and while she listened and sought to encourage, it was fully insufficient for what I felt I so desperately needed. Our conversation ended badly and tears poured down my face. My expectations of having my spirits lifted were lost.

In a moment of clarity from a month of stupor, I woke to an invaluable lesson and whether I can practice in full remains to be seen. In each of the above listed experiences, I came to them with expectations--that my business would thrive quickly and my product would be magnetic--that the man that I adore would long for me as I long for him and adjust his responsibilities to incorporate me more fully in this life--that my friends would never have moments of struggle--that old loves should act on my terms--that my mother should respond to me only in terms of what I need and thus should she be equipped with reading my mind.

How silly are these expectations?! They are so egotistical as if I get to decide the choices that others make, as if I am somehow in control of life's unfolding, as if I am God! How absurd!

Expectations are really judgments of others that we use to attempt to control life, it seems. They are lacking in love. They do not honor other people and they certainly do not honor God. True love accepts life as it is, allows others to be as they are and releases judgments.

My daily prayer for myself these days is that I will release my expectations and choose to love others with sincerity. My success in that department feels next to impossible but I cling to the world of God that "everything is possible to him who believes. (Mark 9:23b)" May it be so! Amen.